I'm Sorry
by Toreax
Summary: Leo is slowly losing himself to the darkness. He chose Raph as his last chance to live before he ended it all. Too bad no one cared.


**Warnings: Suicide, mentions of self-harm, depression, self-hate**

"Why did you call me up here again?"

Leonardo looked over to where Raphael's rough voice acknowledged him. He gave a sheepish smile, hating the way it felt fake against his lips. He plopped down on top of the apartment roof, his legs dangling over the edge. He glanced at Raph, the red banded turtle's bulky form still stood, arms crossed. It was obvious Raph didn't want to be here. It was the middle of the night and Casey wasn't home, so he wasn't in the mood to go bust some heads.

Leo felt his gut twist painfully in sadness and his body tingled. The feeling was normal now; he always felt this overwhelming sadness. His wrists throbbed from where fresh cuts were hidden from the world with medical bandages and sweat wraps. He looked over the edge of the roof. There were no cars, no people. This was an abandoned street.

"I just wanted to talk." Leo stated.

Hope swelled in his chest. He desperately needed someone. Anyone. Anyone that would notice how he was feeling. No one has noticed, not even his father. He was way too embarrassed to speak his problems out loud, too scared that he would ruin his family.

He wasn't sure how long he felt like this; this terrible feeling of sadness and random humiliation that smothered him. It ate him from the inside out, slowly killing him.

He made an agreement with himself.

He wanted one last chance before he made it all stop. He chose Raph as his chance.

He wanted to see if Raph could figure everything out. He wanted to see if Raph truly cares about him.

To see if Raph cared for his life.

Raphael sat down beside Leo with an agitated huff, setting his elbow on his thigh and cradling his cheek in his palm. "Well, Fearless, what do you want to talk about? I'm sort of tired."

Leo ignored the resistance. He got enough of it already. "Life."

Raph threw him a sideways glance, incredulous. "Life doing pretty well, Leo."

Leo pressed a decent amount of his wrist on his thigh, the deep cuts burning and icy spikes of pain shot his body awake. He bit the inside of his cheek, feeling a small bit of blood seep underneath his teeth. He wasn't sure how he was going to talk to Raph. He didn't plan on telling his brother anything. He wanted to see what he could tell him and what mattered. He needed Raphael to save him.

"I don't mean it in that way. I mean our lives." Leo said.

Raph rolled his eyes. "I'm doing pretty well. You look like you doing well too."

Raph didn't even look over at him.

Leo glanced down at his body. He had lost most of his body weight, especially fat. He was still muscular from the continuous training, but it was small. He was just skin and bone. Food didn't sit right with him anymore. His stomach didn't settle with anything put into it. He always felt sick. And seeing his malnourished body, he knew every part of him was sick.

Leo absently rubbed his eyes. The bright color of his mask didn't match his eyes. His eyes were dull, cold, they were lifeless. Void of any emotion except sadness. He couldn't remember the last time he was actually happy. He still wore the mask because it covered the dark wrings underneath his eyes. He couldn't recall the last time he slept for more than four hours.

"Do you ever wonder what death is like?" Leo asked.

This time Raph did glance at him. His eyebrows furrowed. "Haven't we all?"

_Don't you want to visit death?_ "Oh."

There was an uncomfortable silence. The air was tense.

Leo rolled his shoulders, his small amount of muscle sore. "It hurts."

Raph sighed, running a hand over his face. "What hurts?"

Leo felt tears prick the edge of his eyes, but quickly blinked the away. He didn't dare sniff.

"Everything."

Raph snorted. "That narrows it down. Did you hurt yourself in a kata?"

Leo's shoulders drooped and he drew his knees to his chest. Raph didn't seem to notice.

"It hurts right here." Leo pointed to his chest where his heart was located. His hands shook. This was it. He needed Raph to care. To save him.

There was silence for a few seconds before Raph chuckled.

"Wow Leo, emo much?"

Leo's stomach dropped and the hope disappeared. His hands shook even harder and his lip trembled. He didn't have to hide his shameful face from Raph because Raph wasn't even looking at him. Raph was looking out into the city with amused eyes.

But then, the hurt was gone.

A warm feeling of happiness filled his body. A weight was taken off his shoulders and a bright smiled crossed his lips and occupied his face. His eyes twinkled. The hurt, the sadness, the humiliation is gone.

He was going to do it.

Raph was his last chance. His last chance didn't work. He was free.

He was going to do it.

The pain would finally be gone.

"Thank you, Raph."

Raph leaned back, barely noticing the manic smile on Leo's face. "You're welcome…for whatever I did."

…

The next day was the best day of Leonardo's life.

During his early training session with Master Splinter, he told his Father that he loved him.

Training with his brothers was great. Everyone did what they were supposed to, except Raph told Donatello and Michelangelo that he was completely emo. Leo laughed along with them.

"Hey, Don."

Donatello only grunted to acknowledge his presence, didn't turn around in his desk chair. He continued to work on his latest project.

Leonardo leaned on the lab doorway, his large smile never wavering. "I just came to tell you that I love you, Bro."

Donatello looked over his shoulder towards his brother and nodded a frown on his face. He turned back to his desk, continuing his work.

Leonardo went to Mikey's room next. The youngest turtle was sitting on his bed, reading a comic book. He looked up when Leonardo came in, a rare smile across his lips.

"Hey, Mike."

"Hey, Leo. What's up, a little busy here."

Leonardo shifted his weight, his smile staying the same. "I just wanted to say I love you."

There was a silence before Mike nodded, turning back to his comic. "Okay."

…

The same night, patrol was canceled because Master Splinter had a bad feeling. Leonardo snuck out while everyone was asleep.

The lights reflected off his eyes. Car horns blared in the distance and yelling bounced off buildings. He stood on his favorite tree in the park. He hoped his brothers actually knew it was his favorite tree. Hopefully they will find his remains so he could be buried. Not that he deserved it.

Silently, he reached over his head and drew out his right katana. He smiled softly. The pain would finally end. Everyone would be happy.

He sat down on the highest branch that would hold his small weight. He held his katana to his throat. He didn't deserve traditional seppuku.

"I love you, my family," A tear slipped out of his eye. "Even if you don't love me back." He smiled.

"I'm sorry."

**Wow. This sucked. I wrote this a long time ago and found it again today and wanted to post it. This was when I started to write. I wasn't the best, especially being descriptive. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it.**


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